One of the key skills in coaching presence is identified by the International Coach Federation (ICF) as the "depth of partnership with the client". One of the specific areas of competency mentioned in the description of mastery of this presence is the concept of the coach inviting the coachee to help design the coaching process rather than just the agenda.
The metaphor for masterful coaching presence that I love is “to leave no footprints”. It brings to mind for me the experience of having had someone walk “alongside” you, sharing your journey, contributing to the experience of that journey but at the end of the journey, their presence is all that’s left – no footprints; no indentations to show that they were there. And yet, somehow, at some level you know they were a help, a catalyst giving of their energy, but without having directed the walk.
So how do we create such a presence? Here are some suggestions:
Not needing to “get the picture”:
Quantum theory tells us that the observer finds what they are looking for. If they search out the “wave” they will see a wave. If they search for a particle, then it is a particle they will find.
..."You see, really and truly, apart from the things anyone can pick up (the dressing and the proper way of speaking, and so on), the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she's treated. I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me as a flower girl, and always will; but I know I can be a lady to you, because you always treat me as a lady, and always will."
Eliza Doolittle; From George Bernard Shaw's play, PYGMALION
From the Pygmalion Studies by Rosenthal and Rubin in the late 1960’s, we know that children taught by a teacher who believes that child to be bright or gifted will do better than the same child taught by a teacher who believes them to be a poor student.
As a coach, if we have a clear “picture” of the “issue” or problem – or even the solution – then our attention is given to that version of “reality” – and any amount of open questions will not prevent us from leaving footprints. Unconsciously we will begin energetically and verbally to direct the coachee – limiting them within the scope of our understanding of the situation.
Human beings recognise things by where they are not – we know the shape of a bottle in front of us by its boundaries and limits. The edges of the bottle define it. In the same way when we seek to fully understand something, we are actually building a picture of its limits – we are therefore limiting its potential. By asking questions designed to really clarify the current picture we can limit the future picture.
Being in the space of bewilderment above knowledge:
Rumi told us to “sell your cleverness, and buy bewilderment”. When we are happy not to understand – to be “bewildered” – then we make the space necessary for the achievement of potential. In not needing to know – in being in awe of what we don’t know and celebrating that – we create a much greater space for the coachee.
Greater in terms of quality and size. When we are willing to be with the coachee as a learner, then we are in a deeper and more powerful partnership. The sense of expertise of the coach is diminished further making it easier for the coachee to relax into being the expert on their own situation.
In this space, the coach can take greater risks and make deeper challenges because there is no attachment to be “right” or any fear of getting it “wrong”. And this freedom to take risks and be vulnerable helps to make that easier for the coachee to do the same.
Trusting not accepting the story:
As a coach we can trust that what the client says is their experience of what is happening – their “truth” in this moment – we do not need to judge if it is true or otherwise. In modern society – especially in the corporate world – we are trained not to believe that which cannot be measured or proved.
And yet as humans we cling to what feels right to us – we still talk about the sun rising and setting despite knowing for a long time that the earth moves not the sun. Our experience tells us that the sun rotates around the earth – we “see” it moving through the sky.
In improvised comedy, there are some golden rules that make it look purely free flowing but actually are strictly adhered to in order to allow the humour to flow. One of these golden rules is acceptance – whatever your fellow comedian says you must go with it – accept it into the conversation and work with it. As soon as you say “no” to anything they bring forward, the flow breaks down and it gets hard work and disjointed.
This strikes me as a great approach for the coach too. If we accept everything a coachee says and then work with it, it allows deep respect, trust and rapport to flow through the coaching space. We may challenge deeply whatever is said, but we absorb it like the cricketer with “soft hands” – taking the ball out front, bringing it in and then acting to throw it on or whatever comes next in the flow of play. Once the cricketer looks to catch the ball with firm hands, the ball causes injury and is hard to catch.
The coach with soft hands hears and accepts as true to the client what is said – in order to challenge them.
For example, the coach hears a belief from the coachee that “they are too old to carry on with a workable career plan”. The coach with “hard hands” might recognise the limiting belief and push back against it – labelling it as limiting belief and challenging its truthfulness head on. It may work well but the coachee may well also dislike the judgement made by the coach and the expertise that it may imply.
The soft hands approach might be to ask an incisive question – “If you knew you were easily young enough, how might you get started?” The coach has heard and accepted as true (for the coachee in this moment) the belief AND has worked easily around the belief, opening up the field of possibility without forcefully thrusting the coachee into it!
Witnessing not exposing:
One of the greatest gifts we can give our coachees is to witness them – to listen deeply and without agenda is a gift that creates breakthrough more powerfully than anything else possibly. It creates the space for limitlessness because we don’t make an imprint in the process – we just give it clear, vibrant, creational energy. We become a catalyst rather than an element of the formula.
In speaking thoughts and feelings - whether familiar or emergent - into the world, the coachee changes the world a little or a lot. The once metaphysical becomes more solid and worldly and therefore comes a step closer to “reality” – to being physically manifest in the world.
If we can listen to and witness the coachee in this way, then we create the space for the release of untold levels of potential – we invite the unleashing not just of who they are but of who they can be into the world. In this way we allow the client to stay “in the question” – not to be exposing their weaknesses or areas for growth but to be in pure, curious, expansive enquiry.
You can explore all sorts of ways for boosting self esteem and self confidence in a coachee – but quietly seeing them as pure potential and listening to them in this way will frequently be the most powerful way in which to shift people’s self esteem. Self-esteem is just a linguistic representation of self-perception – how we see ourselves. Any amount of persuasion or coercion to see oneself differently is likely to fail – we are expert at batting away compliments. Remember that outer layer that we as coaches can potentially “thicken”? We can thicken it by trying to persuade coachees that they are somehow worthier than their current self-image allows for.
But in a space where we are being heard and fully witnessed we can begin to see ourselves differently – to speak our own truth about what is possible is to start to accept it more fully. And once we accept it as a possibility, we can step up to it – it becomes more readily available to us.
Not being the expert:
When we have a personal need to be seen to be good at coaching we can push inadvertently – forging the conversation forwards towards the desired breakthrough or result that is within our sights. When we can relax, set the agenda and then trust the coachee to get there, we actually increase the chances of these things happening.
In the space of relaxation and trust we can access our intuition more fruitfully; giving us a better chance of successfully stretching the coachee beyond where they were getting by themselves – but without needing to make that happen.
Nobody is suggesting that as an internal coach, results are unimportant. They are – very – important. But the exploration and consequential perspective shift means that change is genuine and more likely to be permanent. If coaching does not provide this reflective space then a huge opportunity has been missed.
The highly skilled coach is aware that HOW this reflective space is created is not a formula but a process of understanding what would work for the coachee and then partnering with them to build the space according to that feedback from them.
Behaviours that might reflect this are open questions that invite the coachee to co-create the process and that check back in regularly with requests to find out what the coachee has learnt so far; what is working for them; what could they do with more (or less) of in the process.
What helps you to think clearly?
How do you make your best decisions?
How might I get in the way of your thinking processes?
What can I do to help you reflect more deeply?
What is working well in the coaching sessions?
What would help even more?
At the end of a session or at the beginning of regular sessions, a check in with what is and isn’t working is a powerful invitation to the coachee to fully partner with their coach. It also creates a much stronger springboard for the coachee from the coaching – they are learning new skills in communication, challenging and planning by being in the conversation as well as developing a deeper understanding of how they work best.
The difference between having a powerful tool or process that supports the coachee in making great decisions and using open questions to support the coachee in identifying how they make their best decisions, is a good measure of the difference between a competent PCC and an MCC – the latter exhibits a deeper trust in the coachee and the process and allows the coachee to be more fully aware and conscious of their own personal power and learning style.
Getting out of your own way:
This is good, solid coaching jargon but with a powerful intent. When the coach feels a need to “perform” and to be a “good coach” then the coaching becomes about the coach.
When we need to understand fully the context, then we start to listen to the coachee through our own filters – the questions become about us and our understanding more than the coachee.
An important aspect of this is your own personal development – when you have regular coaching sessions and supervision sessions, it helps to identify your own hot spots and sensitivities, affording you a much higher level of self awareness during your coaching. Whilst we set out to be non-judgemental of our coachees and their situations, a greater awareness of our own values, prejudices and judgements allows us to spot and “park” any that arise during a coaching session.
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